Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Sunday, October 17, 2010

I'm Better, but not where I want to be

I'm still struggling. I have taken some of my meds, but it is not in my system like it should be. I have just about decided to go to a doc-in-the-box some time next week, just so that I can get some more meds and be a better me.

The problems and struggles will still be here, I know this. But I will be able to handle them a lot better and with more grace than I am right now. I hopefully will have more patience my children, and help Jack manage his sensory issues better. And a happier Mommy and Jack will mean a happier family all the way around.

For right now, I am holding on to EVERY teeny, tiny piece of good that happens. Tightly.

And in the midst of this, I am taking stock in what makes ME happy, and trying to incorporate that into our daily lives. For so long, I have neglected who I AM. I am rediscovering myself. Listening to music I like, instead of just the kids' music in the car. Singing loudly to my favorite songs. Music has always been an important part of my life, but it sort of slipped to the background.

I do feel a little selfish adding so many things about me to our lives, but my kids need to learn that my needs and desires are just as important as theirs.

Things are looking a little better, but not where I want them to be.

Thank you for the kind words and prayers. You are great.

Alli C

Monday, October 11, 2010

Where I am

I am depressed. I have chronic depression, but it has been controlled for the most part with medications. I have a bottle of about 20 Prozac, but I am trying to space it out because I do not have insurance, am not eligible for Medicaid, and don't have the money to pay to visit the doctor (even a doc-in-a-box). To make things worse, I am diabetic, and am having some issues related to that, but there again, I am not able to see a doctor.

We have no money. To the point I am wondering how I am going to pay for Halloween costumes and Christmas presents. I have 2 pairs of pants that I can wear during the winter. I have TONS of tops, but no bottoms. Everything else has been worn to the point of having holes that can't be fixed. The kids have clothes thanks to their grandparents.

In addition, to all of this, I have a special needs child, who is driving me UP THE WALL. I know that my lack of patience is due to depression, money worries, and little sleep. I get a few hours of respite a week for my special needs child, but I still have a neuro-typical child that is not eligible for respite. My respite hours are spent running errands that are not as easy to do with Jack. My kids don't respect me. They don't listen, and they are constantly hitting each other. I know I am not doing enough for him on a daily basis. I am just overwhelmed by it.

My house is an absolute WRECK. It is cluttered and DIRTY. I have never in my life been in such filth, and yet I am unable to get it clean. I feel paralyzed, overwhelmed, and exhausted. I don't know where to begin. I know that if I do clean something, it will be dirty again in about 20 seconds.

I am also addicted to the internet. Twitter and Facebook especially. Again, it is due to the depression. But Twitter is my whine-fest. I can fuss about anything bad going on with my day/life. But that isn't who I really am. I feel like I have been an upbeat kinda gal, and lately, everything is SO negative. And as soon as I decide that I am going to have a positive day, and only speak positively, something happens and I slip back into those negative tweets.

I want to be my jolly, non-overwhelmed self again. I don't like being who I am right now. Something has GOT to change, but I just don't know WHAT or HOW.  If you are so inclined, please pray for me.

Alli C

Monday, October 4, 2010

Chocolate Whipped Cream Cupcakes

Chocolate Whipped Cream Cupcakes

1 (18.25-ounce) box white cake mix (recommended: Duncan Hines Moist Deluxe)
1 1/3 cups water
3 large eggs whites
2 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted
2 teaspoons vanilla extract

Preheat oven to 350. Line 18 muffin cups with papers.

Mix ingredients together until well blended, about 2 minutes with electric mixer. Use about 1/3 cup of batter for each prepared muffin cup. Bake until pale golden on top - about 15 mins. Let cool.

In a separate bowl, mix together 1 cup of heavy whipping cream, 1/3 cup confectioner's sugar and 3 heaping tablespoons cocoa powder on high with electric mixer. Mix until soft peaks form.

Spread chocolate whipped cream on top of cool cupcakes.

Alli C

Saturday, October 2, 2010

A few steps back

The last few weeks have been pure torture. We had a trip to Richmond, followed by a visit from my mother in law followed by another trip to Richmond. Jack did NOT transition well between any of these things.

Jack does not like riding in the car. Looking back, he never has. But that is a story for a different time. Hemi usually falls asleep pretty quickly, and Jack and I have a 3 hour conversation. I take that back, he usually has a 3 hour monologue. He will ask me questions, and as I am answering them, he is asking about something completely different.

He also gets riled up easily at my mom's house. There are 4 kids in the house, and things can get wild pretty quickly. He doesn't sleep well there either. After about 2 nights of no sleep, he usually gets uncontrollable. If we leave after dinner to come home, he'll fall asleep for about an hour. He sleeps so much better once we get home, although it takes about a week before he gets back to normal.

We have been home 2 weeks, and yet we are no better off than before the start of all of the travelling. He is spinning a LOT more, he's jumping around, hitting, kicking, being rude, saying inappropriate things, as well as others. I have been trying to provide sensory input, but to no avail. It just gets him so hyper, he cannot be controlled. He doesn't listen, even if I stop him and have him look into my eyes. The other day, we got out an office chair, and I spun it around as fast as I could. He would laugh, and laugh. He took turns with his brother for about 30 minutes total. We took a break and did it again for another 30 mins, and he was still just as wild. He was hitting Hemi, running through the house. About the only thing that will calm him down is watching TV (with a blanket on him of course). I just don't want him watching TV ALL the time. I have tried engaging him, but he is very beligerent, and oppositional. I have tried to direct him into other activities, but to no avail.

Also, in the middle of all of this, he has fallen back into old behaviors. Well, he has begun to oppose once tolerated noises, such as the vaccuum, mixer, and can opener. All of these were things that used to freak him out, but he begun to tolerate the noises.

We have been adding things to our schedule in the last few weeks, and I think he is still adjusting to this. I truly want to get into a better routine. Jack was accepted into a local program for Therapeutic Horse Riding for kids/adults with special needs. He has had one lesson so far (10 total for 30mins each), but he absolutely LOVED it. I am not allowed to go to the barn, or watch him ride, which is hard for me, but they have a trainer and at least 2 volunteers to help him.

Hopefully, we will get into a better routine soon. We will begin to receive Respite later in the week, which will help. Not only will I get a much needed break, but they will work with him on his behavior. They are going to set up a token board for him to earn his rewards. Which will come home with us to use here.

We have taken a few steps back, but maybe we're finally going to get back on track.

Alli C