Monday, October 11, 2010

Where I am

I am depressed. I have chronic depression, but it has been controlled for the most part with medications. I have a bottle of about 20 Prozac, but I am trying to space it out because I do not have insurance, am not eligible for Medicaid, and don't have the money to pay to visit the doctor (even a doc-in-a-box). To make things worse, I am diabetic, and am having some issues related to that, but there again, I am not able to see a doctor.

We have no money. To the point I am wondering how I am going to pay for Halloween costumes and Christmas presents. I have 2 pairs of pants that I can wear during the winter. I have TONS of tops, but no bottoms. Everything else has been worn to the point of having holes that can't be fixed. The kids have clothes thanks to their grandparents.

In addition, to all of this, I have a special needs child, who is driving me UP THE WALL. I know that my lack of patience is due to depression, money worries, and little sleep. I get a few hours of respite a week for my special needs child, but I still have a neuro-typical child that is not eligible for respite. My respite hours are spent running errands that are not as easy to do with Jack. My kids don't respect me. They don't listen, and they are constantly hitting each other. I know I am not doing enough for him on a daily basis. I am just overwhelmed by it.

My house is an absolute WRECK. It is cluttered and DIRTY. I have never in my life been in such filth, and yet I am unable to get it clean. I feel paralyzed, overwhelmed, and exhausted. I don't know where to begin. I know that if I do clean something, it will be dirty again in about 20 seconds.

I am also addicted to the internet. Twitter and Facebook especially. Again, it is due to the depression. But Twitter is my whine-fest. I can fuss about anything bad going on with my day/life. But that isn't who I really am. I feel like I have been an upbeat kinda gal, and lately, everything is SO negative. And as soon as I decide that I am going to have a positive day, and only speak positively, something happens and I slip back into those negative tweets.

I want to be my jolly, non-overwhelmed self again. I don't like being who I am right now. Something has GOT to change, but I just don't know WHAT or HOW.  If you are so inclined, please pray for me.


Alli C

2 comments:

  1. Oh friend, I wish I could help, (can I help? Let me know!) As I sit here, grumpily staring at the trashed living room that I just cleaned, I can understand part of your struggles, (and I have total empathy for the rest). You're in my thoughts and prayers and I'm serious about the offer to help... I'll think on what I can do.

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  2. Oh, hun. I wish I had read this sooner. Please, I'm just an e-mail or tweet away. If you need to vent please feel free to unleash my way!!!

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